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Miss Von Trapp

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In which I ponder the frightening possibility of encroaching adulthood...and that I ought to be one! [Dec. 27th, 2003|05:12 am]
Miss Von Trapp
[Mood |pessimisticpessimistic]
[Music |Carl Orff : O Fortuna (Carmina Burana)]

I'm going to be 30 in June...that means I'll properly be an adult doesn't it?

I'm scared to be honest...does it also mean that I have to act like an adult and be concerned with adult things like bills and work partnerships??

I have trouble with taking important things seriously...work and deadlines...even bills...feel like *homework*...and I leave them to the last minute just the same. I'd rather think about anything else...lose myself in a movie, read a book...go out and wander in the park...ANYTHING!!

I tend to ignore bills till it's too late then ring up with excuses and apologies to get myself out of it...then go shopping and buy unneccessary things like Snoopy stuff, vampire stuff, films, music, ribbons and ornaments.

Work doesn't feel like 'real work' since all I do is sit and type and chatter with my friends...I have been asked to apply for managerial but I don't feel authoritative enough...or old enough...which is daft as most managers there are only mid 20s if that!! All the other jobs I've had have been creative...building sets and props at the Theatre Royal, working for theatre companies advertising and other art-based stuff...

I don't feel like I'm 29...it's sort of crept up on me...I'm still 16-18...extremely inexperienced in relationships (count 5, only 3 of them being serious, only one of those 3 being intense enough to break my heart and leave me sobbing like a baby)...

I permanently have my head in the clouds, dreaming of rainbows and if I could find the end of them, and what birds and other animals THINK etc etc...

I still give names to all my soft toys...they have distinct personalities every one...everything has a name...even the computers have names...this one is Mr.Hansol because he has his name on the monitor...the old one was Mrs. Tulip for the very same reason...when Mrs. Tulip's monitor blew up, Hansol was sad because she couldn't look at him anymore...

I sleep with a Bagpuss and a Snoopy...the snoopies have to go on rotation every now and then so that they don't get jealous of each other...

I go into MacDonalds to buy the toys...get fixated by barbies and sindy dolls that I have plans on turning gothic...I paint and draw and immerse myself in literature and music and singing...or in acting, which is my main love...

Acting is pretty much no change from the dressing up fun I had when I was little...well, I say little...actually I haven't ever stopped...at 15 my GCSE art project had me in Medieaval and American Indian costumes which I had made myself...at the moment I'm enjoying being the decadent actress with a big grey furry coat and a fringe...like a french film star from the black and white era...sometimes I'll play the dominatrix pvc-clad female, but this isn't me at all... It's an act...a collection of superior expressions and suitable language... I don't want to dominate...I want to be hugged, cuddled and protected like a lost child...

My romantic notions are of intensity, total mental/intellectual connection, deep and loving passions...soulmates...like John Donne's metaphysical imagery of compasses and of the love that Cathy has for Heathcliff :

"The definition of love for Cathy and Heathcliff...is not based on appearances, material considerations, sexual attraction, or even virtue, but rather a shared being. Cathy says: "I am Heathcliff ­ he's always, always in my mind ­ not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself ­ but as my own being." Apparently the sexual aspect of love is so meaningless for her that she believes marriage to Edgar will not come between her and Heathcliff: she would not consciously abandon her soul."

I worry when a relationship becomes mundanity...a hello after work and a peck on the cheek...how interminably depressing... I quite identify with Emma Bovary feeling frustrated with her dull but devoted husband Charles in Flaubert's novel and subsequently becoming lost and led astray by characters such as Rodolphe in her pursuit of fairytale romance and happiness :

"Emma’s first lover, a wealthy landowner with an estate near Yonville. Rodolphe is shrewd, selfish, and manipulative. He has had scores of lovers and believes Emma to be no more sincere than any of them. He plots his seduction of Emma with strategic precision, begins an affair with her, and then abandons her when he becomes bored of her romantic fancies and emotional demands."

(Rodolphe is a womanising cad who makes false pretenses of sharing her passions and of loving her intensely in order to have her as his latest 'mistress' until he tires of her!!)

I read 'Madame Bovary' as a young girl...I'm reading it again now and am seeing frightening similarities between my outlook and Emma's feelings and higher emotions (tho I don't have the adultery part thankfully lol)! I entirely blame Flaubert, along with Bronte, for developing my understanding of love and such sensibilities in this manner...

Am I in a fairytale world with regards to love and relationships? Do I have to settle for 'Hi honey, I'm home!' and 'How was work?' ??

Catherine Earnshaw and Emma Bovary never really grew up I suppose... AND I DON'T WANT TO EITHER!!!

(but then they both died, one in childbirth, one in suicide...oh dear)

And with my delight in childish things and silly creative notions...I don't want to give that up and grow up...

What do I do? I can't carry on like this forever...can I??

I'm afraid I'm getting too old for this...but it's ME!! It's inherent in who I am...

I can't change...I grew up in a world of fantasy...Narnia, Peter Pan, Alice In Wonderland...and lots of sailing, playing in the woods and in the river, going out painting with my Aunt Diana and drawing maps...dressing up all the time...my mother used to have to take me shopping in american indian headdresses, roman soldier costumes, egyptian collars, gypsy dresses...

I've carried this on into my life now and I don't even want to change...it's just that I look at my workmates and people all around me and they seem so...normal...adult...

They appear in control of their world and, to be honest, somewhat mundane and uninspired...

But if I stay myself and don't conform what will become of me?

I'll just end up an eccentric old hag, left on the shelf, still dying her hair black at 50 and looking like a crone...

BUT fundamentally, I don't want to change...

I just don't understand...and I feel a bit weird going into my 30's and not feeling like I've advanced in my fairytale outlook since school...everyone else is growing old around me (even those younger than me) and I feel out of place.

Extremely out of place.


(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: missvontrapp
2003-12-26 09:51 pm (UTC)

Re: me voir une amie pelurir

I really have no proper idea!!

That's half the problem...I don't know what job I want to be in other than acting, yet I feel like I ought to have a 'proper job' to cover those periods of unemployment...

I had a place at Barts Hosp in London to do a degree in Nursing...but *circumstances* (not of my own making) prevented me from going, so I had to give up...probably a lucky escape as that would have physically and mentally killed me eventually...

I like being involved in all aspects of creative media...with theatre I'm always helping with set, design, costume, directing, mentoring the younger performers...advertising...

I get very passionate about advertising, particularly when I see people severely neglecting it at clubs and other places when I *know* I could sort it out for them if I had the time...

I wanted to be an explorer when I was little...and a journalist, and a newsreader...and even a game warden or to go out and live on an American Indian reservation and help there...

I'd also like to work as a writer, an illustrator, short films...I spent a lot of time when I was younger writing fantasy novels and comedy star trek/red dwarf scripts...entire series with visual directions as well as text all timed to the minute to fit a 25 min show slot...

I have too many ideas, and a lack of ability to settle on just ONE as my chosen career path...

AAAAAAAAA!!!! (again)
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[User Picture]From: vimster
2003-12-27 09:35 am (UTC)

Re: me voir une amie pelurir

The problem is, as you get older and experince more and more, it becomes harder and harder to get excited about anything, because there's so much more that your subconscious has to compute when it's trying to tie these things into your 'life', how it relates to everything else, which invariaby invludes comparisons. It's what gives rise to phrases like "x isn't like it used to be" and "y is rubbish these days", it's what fuels the nostalgia industry.

Sometimes the past is a burden.
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[User Picture]From: lily
2003-12-26 11:19 pm (UTC)
Whoa! I'm reading a narnia book right now and when I finish it I have another one next...."The Magician's Nephew" and "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe". I've started being an adult at 17 years old when my mother died. Now that I'm actually an adult physically and in age I'm craving for a taste of that lost childhood I never really have experienced. I'm just saying that you can be an adult and a child at the same time.
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From: sirmankey
2003-12-27 01:39 am (UTC)
Isn't the bottom line whether you're happy, or at the very least content with flashes of happiness, with yourself? A direction can be difficult to find and settle on, but if you're in a happy place, you've got a great base to start from.

In true Royal Mail stylee, I saw these and thought of you.



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[User Picture]From: missvontrapp
2003-12-27 08:15 am (UTC)
Royal Mail doesn't make me happy...if it weren't for the friends there I would go insane with boredom!! But financially I have no other option at the moment...


\m/  Your Beast of Blood!  Rock on!  This is a Hardcore song!  Meaning that your angry and well... ROCK ON!  And having some little girl on the ground bleeding in your music vid
\m/ Your Beast of Blood! Rock on! This is a
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on the ground bleeding in your music video...

What Malice Mizer song are you?
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Klaha... who is Klaha...
You are like Klaha. The third vocalist of Malice

Which member of Malice Mizer are you most like?
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I am Mayonaka ni Kawashita Yakusoku!
Mayonaka ni Kawashita Yakusoku
Have a love, lost it, revenge is the key. Set in an
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best. And it has hot Vampire Kozi!

Which Malice Mizer Video are You?
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From: discordic_frog
2003-12-27 02:57 am (UTC)
in my opinion, the only people that see people in the whole "adult" "child" sort of way are the people who fit naturally into that niche. if you dont fit there, then it probably doesnt apply to you. i really dont think people ever 'grow up'. ill be 20 in a few weeks, and i got yu-gi-oh cards and a neo-pet for xmas, both of which are fantastic! thats my take on it anyway :D

btw - you should so make all your posts into a book or something, you'v probably got enouth material there for a sequel as well!!!! :D
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[User Picture]From: missvontrapp
2003-12-27 08:11 am (UTC)
It would be a nightmare to fictionalize...maybe I should print them off for my memoirs when I'm 80 lol!!

OOh...which Neo-pet did you get btw?

I have a box of about 20 Tamagotchis...3 generations of Bandai ones...

I cried for 2 hours when Cuthbert da Gotchi died...no medicine, play or food would help him at the end (Mimitchi : 31 days and the level below the top one...I had a book too lol)...it was so distressing!!!
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[User Picture]From: vimster
2003-12-27 09:28 am (UTC)
I know exactly how you feel. I'm 32 at the end of January, and frankly haven't grown up yet. You're right, paperwork, bills, important stuff feels almost like an intrusion, something to get out of the way so you can get back to what it was you were doing. It's odd to think that for some, that is their life, dealing with all that then going to bed.

Thinking about it, growing up usually involves giving something of yourself up in favour of something 'important', be that children or an all-consuming career in a non-arts, non-academic area, you know, banking and the like. Grown-ups have the concept of the hobby, a segregated activity, utterly different to that of work, whereas young-minded people have things they do normally, work, bills and the like are just obstacles. Okay, so it's rather simplistic, but it's how I see it.

I wouldn't worry too much about being 30, it's only the 'grown-ups' who resent the sacrifices they had to make in order to be where they are that make you feel guilty. The feeling that you should be doing something more constructive isn't a desire to grow up.

Bah, it's the hinterland between Christmas and New Years (as John Shuttleworth said "Too late to sing The Holly And The Ivy, too early to buy a cut-price diary"), I must go away and drink, and leave you to do the same, albeit in a funkier outfit.
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[User Picture]From: serpentbearer
2003-12-28 01:51 pm (UTC)
Wow, reading this post was almost like reading my own thoughts, I could identify with so much of what you said.

Every time i try to write this reply I give up - I have so much i want to say I don't know where to begin. So I will say simply this - the world needs people like you. It needs dreamers and visionaries. Please don't feel that you have to act a certain way because you are a certain age.
I am coming to terms with the idea of having to be 'grown up' - I have started to realise that being childlike is just how I am. It's how I manage to get through life. When the mundane threatens to drag me down, I can escape into my imagination. I haven't lost that feeling of wonder at the world around me that we all have (or should have) as children - a sense that there is always something amazing around the next corner.

When I'm an old lady I want to splash in puddles, kick autumn leaves about, have 'adventures' with characters in my favourite books, dress up as a witch or a knight or Robin Hood, paint my face, make paper planes, hold tea parties for my stuffed toys, dream of being a rock star, sing along to loud music, I could go on with this forever but you get the idea.
Don't grow up. If nothing else it'll make me feel better knowing there's someone else out there to hold dolly tea parties with when I'm 90!
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[User Picture]From: missvontrapp
2003-12-28 02:03 pm (UTC)
Thankyou so much for that:)

It is a form of escape I know, but it's so much better than sinking into mundanity!

*huggles her Snoopy and smiles happily*

Fancy a tea party?
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[User Picture]From: elves_uk
2004-01-06 05:55 am (UTC)
sounds like you have the makings if a perfect 30yr old to me :)
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[User Picture]From: zapruda
2004-02-27 12:23 am (UTC)
You said you liked Disney's Beauty and the Beast, what are your thoughts on Cocteau's Beauty and the Beast?
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[User Picture]From: missvontrapp
2004-02-27 12:25 am (UTC)
I've not seen it!!


I really ought to, don't you think?:)
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[User Picture]From: zapruda
2004-02-27 12:32 am (UTC)
It is incredibly sublime!

So, yeah, you should look into that!

take care
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